Hi Blake, I always enjoy reading your posts! They are very thought provoking and engaging! Just wanted to share that as a parent, I truly believe being happy and fulfilled human beings is the biggest contribution we have to give to our children which means we must take care of our own well being first and foremost (of course we need to feed our children etc.), but following our passions, continuing to do the things we love is so important! Finding our own joy and not depending on our kids to do that for us is also important!
Blake, I loved reading this, and partly because my own reaction surprised me.
I understand so much of what you're describing. I've never been someone who thinks people should have children, and I would never encourage someone who's unsure to do it. And there have been plenty of moments in my own life when I've regretted becoming a parent.
But reading this I found myself feeling... sad. Which was really surprising to me. Not because I think you're making the wrong choice. I don't. It was more this feeling of, you have no idea what you're missing.
And I've been thinking about why I reacted like that.
I think there's something in what you write about wanting to live your life, and wanting adventures and transformative experiences. Because most of those experiences, even when they change us completely, are still things we choose. We choose the country, the work, the relationship, the project, whatever it is. We choose the door.
And also, we can leave.
I'm a huge fan of quitting things I don't like. 😂 Really. I don't see much value in staying with something just because I started it. If it isn't right for me anymore, I will happily change direction.
But then you have a kid.
And you can't really do that anymore.
You make this enormous decision and then this person shows up, and you have absolutely no idea who they are going to be. You don't choose their personality. You don't choose what they will need from you. You don't know what they will struggle with, what they will challenge in you, what parts of yourself you will have to face because of them. You don't even know what kind of parent this particular child will require you to become.
And you can't say three years later, well, turns out this wasn't really my thing. You can't hand them back to the universe and go choose another adventure.
You're stuck with each other. 😂
And I'm realizing there is something really profound about that. Not because I think staying is always good. I really, really don't. But because maybe some transformations can only happen when we can't just walk away when it gets too difficult or uncomfortable or when it doesn't look anything like what we thought we were signing up for.
That is certainly what happened to me.
My son didn't fit the world in the ways I had expected him to. And because he was my kid, I had to deal with that reality. I had to start questioning things I probably would never have questioned otherwise. Eventually that led me to start a school, and then another one, and eventually into the work that has become my life's work.
I could never have chosen that adventure. I didn't even know it existed.
And I think that's maybe the dimension I was missing when I read your piece. There is the adventure we choose, and then there is what can happen to us when another human being enters our life who we did not choose (except for choosing to have them), cannot design, cannot control, and cannot just walk away from when things get really hard.
My son is turning 21 in a couple of months. And it's not like we've arrived anywhere. He still struggles with life. There are still things that come up where I'm very much his mom. I still don't know where any of this is going.
But oh my god, Blake. Reading this made me realize how incredibly glad I am that I couldn't give him back.
I'm so grateful this particular human showed up. I'm grateful for who he is, and for all the places his existence has taken me that I would never, ever have chosen because I didn't know they were there.
And of course I have absolutely no idea who I would have become without him. Maybe other things would have transformed me just as much. And none of this makes me think that everyone should have kids. I still don't think that.
I just know I wouldn't be this person.
And your piece made me realise how incredibly grateful I am for that. For the whole fucking difficult, wonderful, unplanned thing.
So thank you. I didn't expect to discover that about myself when I started reading. ❤️
Thanks for writing! As someone who doesn’t have kids myself, I really resonate with a lot of the points you’ve made here. I think your final point —for myself, it’s a lot more about having kids not being “the marker” for success in adulthood that it used to be. Kids are definitely viewed now in most circles as socially optional, and while I know many people who have them, I know many that don’t who are also happy.
I would add as a woman, the health complication risks and impact on my body are a huge deterrent for me. I’m much more open to adopting etc than having my own child because of that.
I am in awe of people who have children and remain lefty or left of center. After having kids I quickly realized the basic tenants of that culture are vastly incompatible with what is best for the family including non “gentle” parenting. There is more than one way to be a parent and I wonder if maybe the limited example you see in your friend group wouldn’t put me off to the whole thing entirely as well.
so many things! what Rebecka says below hits a chord for me: not being able to quit something. Nowadays it's so easy to optimize one's life, make changes, stop and start things. There is something magical about the permanence of parenting. My middle daughter's ways were a shock to me - she was not into sports, she's a sensitive introvert - I wasn't used to this in my younger life (I'm an outgoing athletic gal) and it has made me grow in ways I never thought possible. I appreciate her so much and she opened my eyes to a wider world I had ignored and under-appreciated. I genuinely love hanging out with her. About the gentle parenting. This drives me NUTS. I get it: respecting kids, giving them a voice. We practice this. But I think it's gone too far watching all these constant interruptions and not being able to have an adult conversation. Some parents have given away too much from themselves and given too much to their kids. It doesn't have to be this way. My husband and I teach our kids to hold questions, to watch and listen before they interject with questions, to respect the time/space/conversations that adults need with each other. My hubby and I go on regular dates (with each other and other friends) and the alternative for our kids is to stay home and keep it simple. Our job is not to keep them in constant conversation, entertained and stimulated all the time. In fact, gifting them with boredom has value. On the political leanings, I see the same. I have a group of 5 best friends that all live in Texas and the 6 of us each had 3 kids each (18 kids in total!). I'm the only left-leaning. I'm also the only one in the group who lived out of Texas (in Europe 17 years). I'll just say it - their Christian values tend to increase their family size. I have 4 other besties from a different group (also grew up in Texas) that now live away (1 in Colombia, 1 in Canada, 1 in California, and 1 in Pennsylvania). They tend to lean left, tend to lean atheist, and had fewer kids (0, 1, 2, 2). Moving across borders, chasing careers, skipping church, and dating partners who do the same certainly affects the procreation chances. I very much wish I could run into more atheist, left-leaning families. Austin has it and we're learning - just moved here a few weeks ago. Everything about parenting deserves its own book. Birthing for me was transformative. The younger years were hard but I can look back at the pictures everyday and feel butterflies inside. I am LOVING the tween/teen early years. This is the fun stuff. And I look forward to being adult friends with my kids. There is so much fun to be had. Nothing is a guarantee, but so far we are on a great path as a family. We love hosting their friends. We talk openly with them about life ups/downs, future relationships, dreams, etc. Even as kids they are already building their community and by default we are a part of it. The choice is ours to accept and embrace it.
As a childless person who has been married for about 25 years, having a child was never a serious consideration. I have 9 fantastic nieces and nephews and many have fur babies. Maybe it was time I grew up - in the 70's and 80's. I just never really wanted a child. Thank you Blake for writing about his topic so eloquently.
People should or should not have kids based on their own beliefs and preferences. Some people are meant to have children; some aren't. I too hate this societal idea that people should have kids.
But as the father of two daughters, I would say that many parents would debunk all of these reasons. There are countless people who've had kids and live their lives on their own terms, in their own experiences. Kids don't hold parents back. What holds them back is clinging to the status quo perception of what parenting is supposed to be. And I think that's what leads to many of the misconceptions that lead childless people to think kids are some kind of ball and chain that just drag you down.
There is no one-size-fits-all parenting. It's something you grow into and figure out on your own, and it will ultimately align with your personality, goals, and lifestyle. Technology, self-employment, and mobility have opened even more options for parents.
Respectfully, the idea that you can't "do what you want when you want" when you're a parent is complete hogwash. Kids are small for a very short time, and as a parent, you can set the rules for how life plays out. Truthfully, I've found my dog to be far more life-limiting anchor than my kids.
I would also dispute the idea that "little of this is about money." That is indeed a major factor, one of the primary ones, as noted in many Pew surveys. And any parent, including myself, can confirm that the cost of raising a child is beyond insane. Certainly, it's hard for thirtysomethings to think about bringing another human into the world when they're struggling to pay the rent, food, health insurance, etc...
In no way do kids take away from your life. I think they ultimately amplify what you are or aren't. They give you a new perspective on life and the world, which amplifies whatever you are doing/your goals/etc. Yes, parenting comes with hard times, but I've become better version of me in the process.
And truthfully, what holds most people back from really living the life they want, whether they are parents or not…is finances and employment. As a digitally self-employed person, I have more freedom, even as a parent, than many childless people. It ultimately comes down to money and work.
I started wondering if I wanted a child at 35. By 37 I was clear and decided to become a single mother by choice (smc). There are so many wonderful choices out there. My son recently asked "when did you become you?" My answer was "when I decided to have you". Lots of paths out there.
People don't address why many modern don't have children is simply because of men. Women are paying their bills, owning houses, getting up in the world and then in heterosexual relationships, still doing far more of the domestic labor and child rearing and on top of that, they will say having a husband feels like having an extra child. If you're working full time, nobody has time for a child and an adult child. Unfortunately studies show that men don't do their fair share of domestic labor yet.
I met my husband at 41 and I’d lived decades alone traveling, working, dreaming, etc. My life took a turn to a whole beautiful way of life that I’d only dreamt about. At 43 I had a son. Love filled my days and so did worry, delight, stages, conversations, decisions, laughter, plans, annoyances and so many in-the-moment treasures that I would’ve never had. I didn’t know what I didn’t know. Life takes on a sweetness and I wanted that. My human experience is what I wanted full and it is full beyond measure. I saw the beauty of giving a human a human experience and boy is that powerful. Nothing compares. Because it’s all temporary. And life goes on.
I think you are right in describing the cultural shift - the focus on “living life” and the perception that having a family somehow negatively impacts that. Most things that deliver true meaning come with challenges and impacts. That’s the beauty of parenthood…it’s a feature not a bug. It used to be a leap of faith that was expected and considered part of being a successful human being. I think one thing you are wrong about is the assertion: “This situation isn’t good or bad—it just is.” By any objective measure this mindset is bad for western culture and more broadly for humanity in the long term. It’s such a shame. So many lives never fully lived!
What if the alternatives that people like us are choosing -- our versions of "living out lives" -- include meaningful, complex challenges that would, indeed, be upended by having kids? And what if these projects are contributing to the perpetuation of western culture?
If this ‘alternative’ becomes the prevalent viewpoint (and a birth rate well below replacement in just about all nations suggests it is) then it is indeed the very definition of an existential threat to humanity. It’s mathematically only a matter of time. But who are we to judge, right? I also think the notion that people are working on complex or important things that would be upended by having children is a false one. Einstein, Marie Curie, Galileo and indeed most of the people who built our respective nations, all managed to have children as well.
Such a good read, and so many beautiful and thoughtful comments here. I follow many articles from the Institute on Family Studies for work (which is right-leaning), and I sometimes chuckle at their hand-wringing about why people aren't having more children. Many of the aspects you mention definitely play a part for those who are center and left-leaning. Maybe you should submit this as a guest essay to share perspectives from the other side. :)
But then, despite how much I agreed with many of your points, like Rebecka's comment, I was surprised to feel slightly sad upon reading it. Usually when I read your content here, it gives me a window into how my life would have been had I stayed on the road you're currently on. It's wonderful to consider how things would have gone/stayed, and I truly delight in reading all you're doing. I am also someone who, perhaps like some of your friends, barely survived my two children's youngest years, caught in the milieu of all you mention - being a newbie at child-rearing and struggling through all the aches and pains of that learning process, worrying about the environmental impacts and the road ahead looking bleak. I struggled mightily for a few years, and many times wished I was back out on the road traveling and living my best life.
But now that they're older, I see, like Rebecka said, how much that struggle has grown and stretched me into a version of myself that I'm SO much happier being today. If I had to choose between going back to being in my 20s and early 30s, childless and traveling and doing everything I loved, or keep living now as a mother and wife with the various constraints that come with it, I am truly shocked to find myself saying that I wouldn't go back. I would stay right here. I wouldn't have said it when they were 5 and 1 years old and I wanted to quit, but I agree with Rebecka - not being able to quit, having to figure it out, pushing through those harder days, is what really can mold us into the best version of ourselves. It has for me anyway.
My kids are now 11 and 7, and I feel like the best times are just beginning. We pulled them out of school a few days ago to finally to follow the path that long ago brought me to your work - unschooling - and life is now suddenly again an exciting adventure (this time it's as a foursome). Oddly, doing it as a family now is what makes it even more exciting to me, and I never would have foreseen that.
There is a definite validity to all you say, and I agree with most of it (yes gentle parenting is exhausting - we ditched it for sturdy-leader/authoritative parenting, and life flows so much better).
I also wonder... if you (the hypothetical you/others foregoing kids) could peek into a version of the future in which you had older kids, and see the "you" you were as a parent, and compare to the "you" you are now, I wonder what differences you'd notice? And which version of yourself you'd ultimately choose? I would have hated to become a wife and mother in my early 20s, never living abroad and diving deep into my passions. But since I got to have both, I can look at both and compare.
I think that's what made me sad - all those foregoing kids (for definitely legitimate reasons) will never get to see both sides of the coin, and never know if they'd be happier and more fulfilled on the other side. In my experience, the side with kids just has a deeper well from which to drink, but there's no way to fully explain it until you're there. And that's what makes this decision so hard for those still asking it.
The road ahead for us humans may or may not be rocky - I'm neither starry-eyed, nor presuming disaster, but at least my family and I are on the adventure together, and whatever's in store, it will be great while it lasts.
This article feels like a summary of what's on Reddit, which is full of child-free and ambivalent commentary.
We want to travel, our friends are bad at parenting, and we feel ambivalent, but can provide cover to that ambivalence by talking about climate change / the environment, despite not necessarily making life changes that would reduce our own environmental impact (see prior reference to travel).
I don’t read much online about this stuff, I’m sourcing everything from in-person conversations — so this seems to verify what I’m observing! And yes, the travel/impact dichotomy is absolutely contradictory at times.
I read online commentary, but in truth, this is not what I hear in person - most of my friends or relatives with no kids just didn't find a partner. And some didn't want kids, and I think that factored into not finding anyone as a woman, but the other element - and I say this with empathy - usually some unresolved childhood trauma or other issues.
My cousin told me she was barely dating and didn't like having anyone in her apartment. Two other friends who never wanted kids were still upset by their parents' divorces. I definitely can understand that, and not wanting kids made the need for marriage understandably less, too.
Without knowing people, it's hard to assess if that's overthinking it or indicative of substantial issues. I always think of all these male celebrities (like John mulaney) who had so many reasons not to have kids like that, and then they meet a new woman and have a family.
please just go and make kids. it really is an unknown unknown in the sense that you cannot imagine the meaning and joy and love you bring into your world.
and yes it will be hard and difficult as well. but anything worthy of your heart and soul is.
Hi Blake, I always enjoy reading your posts! They are very thought provoking and engaging! Just wanted to share that as a parent, I truly believe being happy and fulfilled human beings is the biggest contribution we have to give to our children which means we must take care of our own well being first and foremost (of course we need to feed our children etc.), but following our passions, continuing to do the things we love is so important! Finding our own joy and not depending on our kids to do that for us is also important!
Blake, I loved reading this, and partly because my own reaction surprised me.
I understand so much of what you're describing. I've never been someone who thinks people should have children, and I would never encourage someone who's unsure to do it. And there have been plenty of moments in my own life when I've regretted becoming a parent.
But reading this I found myself feeling... sad. Which was really surprising to me. Not because I think you're making the wrong choice. I don't. It was more this feeling of, you have no idea what you're missing.
And I've been thinking about why I reacted like that.
I think there's something in what you write about wanting to live your life, and wanting adventures and transformative experiences. Because most of those experiences, even when they change us completely, are still things we choose. We choose the country, the work, the relationship, the project, whatever it is. We choose the door.
And also, we can leave.
I'm a huge fan of quitting things I don't like. 😂 Really. I don't see much value in staying with something just because I started it. If it isn't right for me anymore, I will happily change direction.
But then you have a kid.
And you can't really do that anymore.
You make this enormous decision and then this person shows up, and you have absolutely no idea who they are going to be. You don't choose their personality. You don't choose what they will need from you. You don't know what they will struggle with, what they will challenge in you, what parts of yourself you will have to face because of them. You don't even know what kind of parent this particular child will require you to become.
And you can't say three years later, well, turns out this wasn't really my thing. You can't hand them back to the universe and go choose another adventure.
You're stuck with each other. 😂
And I'm realizing there is something really profound about that. Not because I think staying is always good. I really, really don't. But because maybe some transformations can only happen when we can't just walk away when it gets too difficult or uncomfortable or when it doesn't look anything like what we thought we were signing up for.
That is certainly what happened to me.
My son didn't fit the world in the ways I had expected him to. And because he was my kid, I had to deal with that reality. I had to start questioning things I probably would never have questioned otherwise. Eventually that led me to start a school, and then another one, and eventually into the work that has become my life's work.
I could never have chosen that adventure. I didn't even know it existed.
And I think that's maybe the dimension I was missing when I read your piece. There is the adventure we choose, and then there is what can happen to us when another human being enters our life who we did not choose (except for choosing to have them), cannot design, cannot control, and cannot just walk away from when things get really hard.
My son is turning 21 in a couple of months. And it's not like we've arrived anywhere. He still struggles with life. There are still things that come up where I'm very much his mom. I still don't know where any of this is going.
But oh my god, Blake. Reading this made me realize how incredibly glad I am that I couldn't give him back.
I'm so grateful this particular human showed up. I'm grateful for who he is, and for all the places his existence has taken me that I would never, ever have chosen because I didn't know they were there.
And of course I have absolutely no idea who I would have become without him. Maybe other things would have transformed me just as much. And none of this makes me think that everyone should have kids. I still don't think that.
I just know I wouldn't be this person.
And your piece made me realise how incredibly grateful I am for that. For the whole fucking difficult, wonderful, unplanned thing.
So thank you. I didn't expect to discover that about myself when I started reading. ❤️
What a gorgeous response! And now I see it’s from you, Dear Becka! Thank you for your bright truth radiating through your words.
Awww, thank you Aitabé for your sweet words. Blessings to you <3
Such a thoughtful way of sharing feedback and yourself in one beautiful response.
Beautifully written, Becka! Thank you.
Thanks for writing! As someone who doesn’t have kids myself, I really resonate with a lot of the points you’ve made here. I think your final point —for myself, it’s a lot more about having kids not being “the marker” for success in adulthood that it used to be. Kids are definitely viewed now in most circles as socially optional, and while I know many people who have them, I know many that don’t who are also happy.
I would add as a woman, the health complication risks and impact on my body are a huge deterrent for me. I’m much more open to adopting etc than having my own child because of that.
Thanks Hope - yes, I was considering adding something about the health+bodily complications for moms!
I am in awe of people who have children and remain lefty or left of center. After having kids I quickly realized the basic tenants of that culture are vastly incompatible with what is best for the family including non “gentle” parenting. There is more than one way to be a parent and I wonder if maybe the limited example you see in your friend group wouldn’t put me off to the whole thing entirely as well.
so many things! what Rebecka says below hits a chord for me: not being able to quit something. Nowadays it's so easy to optimize one's life, make changes, stop and start things. There is something magical about the permanence of parenting. My middle daughter's ways were a shock to me - she was not into sports, she's a sensitive introvert - I wasn't used to this in my younger life (I'm an outgoing athletic gal) and it has made me grow in ways I never thought possible. I appreciate her so much and she opened my eyes to a wider world I had ignored and under-appreciated. I genuinely love hanging out with her. About the gentle parenting. This drives me NUTS. I get it: respecting kids, giving them a voice. We practice this. But I think it's gone too far watching all these constant interruptions and not being able to have an adult conversation. Some parents have given away too much from themselves and given too much to their kids. It doesn't have to be this way. My husband and I teach our kids to hold questions, to watch and listen before they interject with questions, to respect the time/space/conversations that adults need with each other. My hubby and I go on regular dates (with each other and other friends) and the alternative for our kids is to stay home and keep it simple. Our job is not to keep them in constant conversation, entertained and stimulated all the time. In fact, gifting them with boredom has value. On the political leanings, I see the same. I have a group of 5 best friends that all live in Texas and the 6 of us each had 3 kids each (18 kids in total!). I'm the only left-leaning. I'm also the only one in the group who lived out of Texas (in Europe 17 years). I'll just say it - their Christian values tend to increase their family size. I have 4 other besties from a different group (also grew up in Texas) that now live away (1 in Colombia, 1 in Canada, 1 in California, and 1 in Pennsylvania). They tend to lean left, tend to lean atheist, and had fewer kids (0, 1, 2, 2). Moving across borders, chasing careers, skipping church, and dating partners who do the same certainly affects the procreation chances. I very much wish I could run into more atheist, left-leaning families. Austin has it and we're learning - just moved here a few weeks ago. Everything about parenting deserves its own book. Birthing for me was transformative. The younger years were hard but I can look back at the pictures everyday and feel butterflies inside. I am LOVING the tween/teen early years. This is the fun stuff. And I look forward to being adult friends with my kids. There is so much fun to be had. Nothing is a guarantee, but so far we are on a great path as a family. We love hosting their friends. We talk openly with them about life ups/downs, future relationships, dreams, etc. Even as kids they are already building their community and by default we are a part of it. The choice is ours to accept and embrace it.
As a childless person who has been married for about 25 years, having a child was never a serious consideration. I have 9 fantastic nieces and nephews and many have fur babies. Maybe it was time I grew up - in the 70's and 80's. I just never really wanted a child. Thank you Blake for writing about his topic so eloquently.
People should or should not have kids based on their own beliefs and preferences. Some people are meant to have children; some aren't. I too hate this societal idea that people should have kids.
But as the father of two daughters, I would say that many parents would debunk all of these reasons. There are countless people who've had kids and live their lives on their own terms, in their own experiences. Kids don't hold parents back. What holds them back is clinging to the status quo perception of what parenting is supposed to be. And I think that's what leads to many of the misconceptions that lead childless people to think kids are some kind of ball and chain that just drag you down.
There is no one-size-fits-all parenting. It's something you grow into and figure out on your own, and it will ultimately align with your personality, goals, and lifestyle. Technology, self-employment, and mobility have opened even more options for parents.
Respectfully, the idea that you can't "do what you want when you want" when you're a parent is complete hogwash. Kids are small for a very short time, and as a parent, you can set the rules for how life plays out. Truthfully, I've found my dog to be far more life-limiting anchor than my kids.
I would also dispute the idea that "little of this is about money." That is indeed a major factor, one of the primary ones, as noted in many Pew surveys. And any parent, including myself, can confirm that the cost of raising a child is beyond insane. Certainly, it's hard for thirtysomethings to think about bringing another human into the world when they're struggling to pay the rent, food, health insurance, etc...
In no way do kids take away from your life. I think they ultimately amplify what you are or aren't. They give you a new perspective on life and the world, which amplifies whatever you are doing/your goals/etc. Yes, parenting comes with hard times, but I've become better version of me in the process.
And truthfully, what holds most people back from really living the life they want, whether they are parents or not…is finances and employment. As a digitally self-employed person, I have more freedom, even as a parent, than many childless people. It ultimately comes down to money and work.
I started wondering if I wanted a child at 35. By 37 I was clear and decided to become a single mother by choice (smc). There are so many wonderful choices out there. My son recently asked "when did you become you?" My answer was "when I decided to have you". Lots of paths out there.
❤️
Moral high ground? In this economy? What ever helps you sleep at night, I guess, but I think it pretentious idea.
Hey don't shoot the messenger ;)
Moral high grounds abound!
Have kids. 2, 3, many. There is no greater purpose/experience. If it doesn’t break you, it will mAke you. Just do it.
People don't address why many modern don't have children is simply because of men. Women are paying their bills, owning houses, getting up in the world and then in heterosexual relationships, still doing far more of the domestic labor and child rearing and on top of that, they will say having a husband feels like having an extra child. If you're working full time, nobody has time for a child and an adult child. Unfortunately studies show that men don't do their fair share of domestic labor yet.
I met my husband at 41 and I’d lived decades alone traveling, working, dreaming, etc. My life took a turn to a whole beautiful way of life that I’d only dreamt about. At 43 I had a son. Love filled my days and so did worry, delight, stages, conversations, decisions, laughter, plans, annoyances and so many in-the-moment treasures that I would’ve never had. I didn’t know what I didn’t know. Life takes on a sweetness and I wanted that. My human experience is what I wanted full and it is full beyond measure. I saw the beauty of giving a human a human experience and boy is that powerful. Nothing compares. Because it’s all temporary. And life goes on.
I think you are right in describing the cultural shift - the focus on “living life” and the perception that having a family somehow negatively impacts that. Most things that deliver true meaning come with challenges and impacts. That’s the beauty of parenthood…it’s a feature not a bug. It used to be a leap of faith that was expected and considered part of being a successful human being. I think one thing you are wrong about is the assertion: “This situation isn’t good or bad—it just is.” By any objective measure this mindset is bad for western culture and more broadly for humanity in the long term. It’s such a shame. So many lives never fully lived!
What if the alternatives that people like us are choosing -- our versions of "living out lives" -- include meaningful, complex challenges that would, indeed, be upended by having kids? And what if these projects are contributing to the perpetuation of western culture?
If this ‘alternative’ becomes the prevalent viewpoint (and a birth rate well below replacement in just about all nations suggests it is) then it is indeed the very definition of an existential threat to humanity. It’s mathematically only a matter of time. But who are we to judge, right? I also think the notion that people are working on complex or important things that would be upended by having children is a false one. Einstein, Marie Curie, Galileo and indeed most of the people who built our respective nations, all managed to have children as well.
Such a good read, and so many beautiful and thoughtful comments here. I follow many articles from the Institute on Family Studies for work (which is right-leaning), and I sometimes chuckle at their hand-wringing about why people aren't having more children. Many of the aspects you mention definitely play a part for those who are center and left-leaning. Maybe you should submit this as a guest essay to share perspectives from the other side. :)
But then, despite how much I agreed with many of your points, like Rebecka's comment, I was surprised to feel slightly sad upon reading it. Usually when I read your content here, it gives me a window into how my life would have been had I stayed on the road you're currently on. It's wonderful to consider how things would have gone/stayed, and I truly delight in reading all you're doing. I am also someone who, perhaps like some of your friends, barely survived my two children's youngest years, caught in the milieu of all you mention - being a newbie at child-rearing and struggling through all the aches and pains of that learning process, worrying about the environmental impacts and the road ahead looking bleak. I struggled mightily for a few years, and many times wished I was back out on the road traveling and living my best life.
But now that they're older, I see, like Rebecka said, how much that struggle has grown and stretched me into a version of myself that I'm SO much happier being today. If I had to choose between going back to being in my 20s and early 30s, childless and traveling and doing everything I loved, or keep living now as a mother and wife with the various constraints that come with it, I am truly shocked to find myself saying that I wouldn't go back. I would stay right here. I wouldn't have said it when they were 5 and 1 years old and I wanted to quit, but I agree with Rebecka - not being able to quit, having to figure it out, pushing through those harder days, is what really can mold us into the best version of ourselves. It has for me anyway.
My kids are now 11 and 7, and I feel like the best times are just beginning. We pulled them out of school a few days ago to finally to follow the path that long ago brought me to your work - unschooling - and life is now suddenly again an exciting adventure (this time it's as a foursome). Oddly, doing it as a family now is what makes it even more exciting to me, and I never would have foreseen that.
There is a definite validity to all you say, and I agree with most of it (yes gentle parenting is exhausting - we ditched it for sturdy-leader/authoritative parenting, and life flows so much better).
I also wonder... if you (the hypothetical you/others foregoing kids) could peek into a version of the future in which you had older kids, and see the "you" you were as a parent, and compare to the "you" you are now, I wonder what differences you'd notice? And which version of yourself you'd ultimately choose? I would have hated to become a wife and mother in my early 20s, never living abroad and diving deep into my passions. But since I got to have both, I can look at both and compare.
I think that's what made me sad - all those foregoing kids (for definitely legitimate reasons) will never get to see both sides of the coin, and never know if they'd be happier and more fulfilled on the other side. In my experience, the side with kids just has a deeper well from which to drink, but there's no way to fully explain it until you're there. And that's what makes this decision so hard for those still asking it.
The road ahead for us humans may or may not be rocky - I'm neither starry-eyed, nor presuming disaster, but at least my family and I are on the adventure together, and whatever's in store, it will be great while it lasts.
This article feels like a summary of what's on Reddit, which is full of child-free and ambivalent commentary.
We want to travel, our friends are bad at parenting, and we feel ambivalent, but can provide cover to that ambivalence by talking about climate change / the environment, despite not necessarily making life changes that would reduce our own environmental impact (see prior reference to travel).
I don’t read much online about this stuff, I’m sourcing everything from in-person conversations — so this seems to verify what I’m observing! And yes, the travel/impact dichotomy is absolutely contradictory at times.
I read online commentary, but in truth, this is not what I hear in person - most of my friends or relatives with no kids just didn't find a partner. And some didn't want kids, and I think that factored into not finding anyone as a woman, but the other element - and I say this with empathy - usually some unresolved childhood trauma or other issues.
My cousin told me she was barely dating and didn't like having anyone in her apartment. Two other friends who never wanted kids were still upset by their parents' divorces. I definitely can understand that, and not wanting kids made the need for marriage understandably less, too.
Someone told me (in person) the other day that "not having our own sh*t figured out" was a big factor for many of her friends, too.
Without knowing people, it's hard to assess if that's overthinking it or indicative of substantial issues. I always think of all these male celebrities (like John mulaney) who had so many reasons not to have kids like that, and then they meet a new woman and have a family.
please just go and make kids. it really is an unknown unknown in the sense that you cannot imagine the meaning and joy and love you bring into your world.
and yes it will be hard and difficult as well. but anything worthy of your heart and soul is.