What Matters in a Partner

on romantic non-negotiables

“What do you look for in a romantic partner?”, the Bavarian woman asks.

She has piercing eyes, a curious mind, and no sense of urgency. It’s been a long time since someone asked me this question so directly.

I think hard, and then say this:

The capacity for total attention. Someone who enjoys long conversations, movies, books, or interviews. Someone who can peacefully dwell in moments of boredom or confusion. Someone who can put away the phone for surprisingly long stretches.

A bit of a hippie. Which means: interested in self-development, questioning of cultural norms, and a romantic at heart. Which does not mean: ignorant of science, lost in drugs, or automatically rejecting all that is conventional.

Charmingly overambitious. Wants more from life than can be reasonably expected. May have a big, idealistic mission. When working, works hard. But also recognizes that her ambition may be her downfall. (See: capacity for total attention)

Mostly positive. Which means: cheery, optimistic, and actively noticing that which is good. Which does not mean: living in a fantasy world or repressing every hard feeling.

Not a fundamentalist. Has beliefs, will defend them, and will update those beliefs when presented with compelling evidence. Possesses very little religious-grade certainty. Recognizes how easily and frequently we fool ourselves.

Time wealthy. Purposefully creates large pockets of free time for exploration, learning, reflection, travel, and relationships. Achieves this through a clever balance of earning, saving, investment, limited consumption, and entrepreneurship. Most likely does not possess a regular, full-time job—or not for very long.

Challenges her body. Wherever her physical limit may be, she finds it, regularly.

Socially rich. Has many wonderful people to lean upon. Capable of forming new friendships, chatting up strangers, and surviving random parties.

Playful. Child-like, not childish. Capable of hanging with actual children. Fluent in the language we call sarcasm.

In a long-term relationship with nature. Doesn’t just want it in her life—needs it. Bonus: has shat in the woods. Bonus: enjoyed it.

Non-controlling. Understands that caged birds don’t sing. Sees connection, communication, and compersion as the foundation of meaningful commitment.

Chooses kindness. Always.

Near the German/Austrian border, November 2023