The "Could I Die Now?" Test

if a bus hit you today, would you die smiling?

This weekend I joined a small dance event at a friend’s house in Belgium.

Of the 30 people in attendance, roughly 20 were friends or acquaintances I’d made across Europe in the past few years.

This was a “co-created” event, which means that everyone offered something: a dance workshop, a DJ set, or, in my case, two hours of summer-camp-style icebreaker, warm-up, and connection games.

What actually happened this weekend? A lot of cuddling on couches, cooking food, cleaning the kitchen, attending workshops, napping, dancing at night, and watching other people dance while cuddling on couches. I slept on a mattress on the floor of my friend’s room. We somehow survived with just two toilets. It all ended with a little folk dance, long hugs goodbye, and a big pile of Belgian fries.

Walking away from the house on Monday morning, my nervous system felt calm. Returning to Vienna by bus, train, and plane, I found myself thinking: This is really, truly “as good as it gets.” I could die happily today.

after-party fries

How do you know you’re doing well in life?

Here’s one way: If a bus hit you today, would you die smiling?

Not smiling because you just watched a funny video, you’re in an altered state, or some other fluke.

Smiling because you were caught in the act of fulfilling your purpose.

Smiling because, despite the tragedy of an early death, you died doing what you’re meant to do.

Here’s what “fulfilling my purpose” looked like this weekend:

• bringing people together through games and activities that I’ve accumulated over 20 years of working in outdoor education

• dancing well—while I’m not a technically advanced dancer (and may never be), I can have playful, connective dances with almost anyone

• maintaining a strong and functional body at 42

• enjoying interesting conversations with almost anyone

• the continued promise of romance (some flirtatious cuddling + a little kiss)

• reflecting on the mere fact I can enter a new land (Europe), make new friends, and become a valued member of a community

Of course, there’s more I want to do, achieve, and explore. I have so many wonderful relationships to deepen and maintain. But this weekend was a genuine moment of self-actualization, one of those milestones that declares: If I can do something like this, and I can be someone like this, then I can die happily.

With lots of friends but no kids, when I die, I’ll enjoy no legacy beyond a few books that will soon be forgotten. But I don’t really believe in all that legacy stuff, anyway.

Your legacy is now. It exists in the quality of your relationships, your daily contributions, and whichever way you’re helping our species scrape by on this thin layer of dirt, here on our little planet, floating amongst the void.