Crowdsourced Wisdom on Having Kids

why it's great, why it's terrible, and how to make the decision

After sharing my conflicted thoughts about having kids, many friends, acquaintances, and readers responded—publicly, privately, and through Facebook—to lend their experiences and perspectives on parenting.

So much of this wisdom was interesting, insightful, and reassuring! I decided to create an entire post with my favorite excerpts, organized into five categories:

1. The Hard Parts

2. Why It’s Great

3. The Co-Parent

4. Community & Alloparenting

5. Making the Decision

I lightly edited some excerpts for length and clarity. Thank you to everyone who contributed. Enjoy!

The Hard Parts

I called having a kid “the death of conversation” due to all those interruptions. It drove me nuts when my friend had her kid and we didn’t have a full conversation for years, and then it happened to me, and now it drives me nuts trying to talk to friends with younger kids. Little kids have a lot of needs, even if you are trying to free range them.  
—RA

Yes, you are right that kids raised in the combo of "intensive parenting" + "nuclear family private castles" do tend to annihilate, at least for many years, many of the best parts of being an adult. I often feel completely shattered at the end of a weekend of full-intensity parenting, like I've had fun and various meaningful moments but also absolutely lost myself, over-used my inner resources, and lost any connection to more personal paths of recharge, which are much like yours. 
—ZQ

I feel lucky that I get to be the stay at home mom while my husband is the backseat breadwinner. At the same time, holy shit this parenting stuff is A LOT and so hard sometimes. Yes I had to SLASH *ALL* of my career ambitions to be the kind of mom I want to be in this season of young parenthood. The amount of cutting out of everything else in my life—I was not fully prepared. I thought I was preparing for motherhood in advance by founding a homeschool resource center, but HAHAHAHA no way could I manage that while being present for my own family. I can barely squeeze in a shower some days. 
—DD

The early years are indeed a struggle to find time for yourself. But I actually had lots of time to read and do portable activities once my kids were a bit older. There were hours of park day, some drop-off classes, and many activities where it didn’t make sense to go home but I didn’t have to watch the kids either. Some people need a particular setting/time to read or write, but if that’s not you, there can be plenty of hours your kids are awake that you can do other things. Although—talking to other parents at these activities significantly ate into that time, as it’s important to have those connections to build community. 
—JG

I also enjoy having time to think and be “in my own head,” but I think you will find that you don't need as much time alone with your own mind when your child is asking you to join him in his. It's hard to ponder your navel when there's a child in your lap. 
—ML

Like you, I wanted to raise them differently, combining all the best practices and parenthood tactics from around the world—so “carpenter parent” of me—and initially when my first was little, I felt like I could kind of do that. But once they're in preschool it gets harder and harder to fight against the cultural flow that's bombarding you from upstream, and once you have another one, forget it. It's survival at its most basic, no time for ideals. My youngest is now five, my eldest is nine, and only now do I feel like my head is starting to be above water, that I have a moment to collect myself and remember who I am apart from being their mother. 
—M

I can’t argue with many of the drawbacks of parenting. As a new dad I no longer have time to myself. I long to have time to create new projects, read, and write, much less sleep. 
—AB

You describe all the challenges well around cultural norms that are hard to escape - even as we are raising our kid in a community built around us that is all about self directed education. I feel like we had so much built around us for support and it was still hard as F*CK and almost broke me down having a child and trying to remember who I am and have any independence (especially when he was young). 
—NT

Too much time doing task parenting leaves me feeling depressed as I look at the calendar and count the days until we have something interesting planned. The main difference between the two is an internal mindset, so the main task of my life is finding ways to maximize the former and minimize the latter. It's kind of like trying to stay in a flow state at all times. Impossible, obviously, but intensely rewarding when accomplished for long stretches.  
—MS

I personally know parents who confessed: "That was a mistake, I don't want this, I want my life back." They were not saying this in a critical moment, but rather as a conclusion after years of parenting. 
—WB

Why It’s Great

I find the activity of parenting to be quite enjoyable. That is, when I'm feeling engaged and interested in spending intentional time with my daughter it's almost always a joy and feels like the best thing I could possibly be doing. Much better and more important than almost anything I spent time on before becoming a parent. This is often true even if she's in a foul mood, or if my wife is having a hard time dealing with her. 
—MS

[Says a bunch of critical things about parenting] BUT having a family is so intensely satisfying on a soul level I wouldn’t trade it for ANYTHING. Before having kids my greatest satisfaction of my life was from being an entrepreneur. It pales in comparison to the satisfaction of being a parent. 
—DD

Often we parents forget to tell our single friends how truly humorous our children are! For their few cranky times, there are ten times more fun and silly times. 
—AZ

What about the joy? Growth of consciousness? Surprise? Pride? All the laughing, there’s a lot of it. Instead of a dark vampire vision, what about a life altering portal? No death involved, just growth. 
—TM  

My kids (19 and 22) have made me think more and laugh harder and be gentler on the world than anything else. Being a parent means constant fuck ups and you really can't continue to think of yourself as too precious or excellent. They also break my heart a lot, but doesn't everything good? 
—NW

Yes, it doesn't get easier. But two nights ago, we were on a family group text, and I have never, on my honor, laughed so hard for so long. We were all literally rolling on the floor at our own weird brand of humor. My daughters room mates checked on her because she was screaming with laughter. And it occurred to me that I've raised a little tribe of folks that are sympathetically and soulfully wired to love each other through the highs and the lows of this crazy life. Which is pretty cool. 
—IP

The writer batting away her toddler is an accurate description, and honestly that resentment at having my former life taken away was sometimes there. But also now that I have some help in the form of full-day school, and the time and space that brings, and that they're older and easier, I realized they're turning into just the kinds of people I'd hoped any child I'd bring into the world would be. So it's funny—it's the hardest work, and you think you'll drown before it ends, and then suddenly you see signs that all of it is actually producing thoughtful, interesting humans, just like you'd hoped. 
—M

I went into parenting with the unconscious assumption that I would enjoy my kids more the older they got. The possibility of rich connections with them as they get older, and we get to watch them through life adventures, feels very rewarding.
—ZQ

Most of the "cons" you cite are true... but only for a while. Early parenthood is an intense chapter of life, but it's not the rest of your life. 
—JD

The Co-Parent

I missed the post where you got married to the love of your life. Aren't you skipping ahead?
—AM

It seems to me, based on what you outline here, that a pivotal piece of this is the “other parent” piece. She would, indeed, need to be someone as you describe, and have a similar approach to bringing a child into this world as you do. 
—BM

Wanting to be a parent is 100% irrational. And who you are co-parenting with is the most important thing.  
—MT

Not just the kids, but also the (wonderful) husband—raising kids together is so intense and the relationship is more healing (of core trauma etc.) and meaningful to me than I could have imagined. That’s how it is for me. If my husband or our relationship sucked, I might feel differently. 
—DD

I know a family where the dad stayed home and the mom worked. I also met a few other homeschool dads who were the primary caregivers when we lived in various places. I think it can be a little lonely for them as they can feel like the outsider in a group of outsiders unless they are quite outgoing. 
—JG

Our biggest issue is one you addressed, needing a decent income. My husband provides that, but he would love to be available during the day more. He engages with the kids intellectually and academically very differently than I do, and they love it! We have many great family discussions, but my older daughter and husband will literally talk for hours and philosophy, government, controversial topics, and more. And the younger will game with him, they accomplish gaming goals that would be impossible alone. It's so fulfilling for all of them! He just wishes he had more time with them. 
—BR

Community & Alloparenting

Where is the village? Where are the other kids? This is the hardest part that is beyond my control. 
—DD

I feel a lot of sadness that we’ve lost the support of other alloparents in my western society that is so steeped in this nuclear family idea. This is where the isolation and loneliness comes from, not the offspring specifically. Child rearing is not suited for only two caregivers. 
—KC

Alloparenting is often not that rich because of the distanced / non-communal / unspontaneous ways we meet, which feel like playdates. Even still I think it's a very meaningful part of my sister’s life to see our kids that often. But if we somehow had a communal thing going like a weekly meal / family evening with her, and maybe eventually she takes them on some kind of longer adventures, then her alloparenting experience might offer a larger slice of the rewarding elements that a parent gets (and the kids might proportionally benefit).  
—ZQ

There is the decision to have kids, and also the decision about how many kids to have. We are firmly in the “one and done” camp, which I was initially against. Now I really feel like that’s the right choice for me. With one kid, an amazing partner and strong network of support, I can not just keep afloat but see the glimmers of getting a full robust life back, playing a meaningful role as a parent while also continuing to work at a job I love, get more time with my husband then an occasional date night, volunteer, spend time on my own, etc. It feels like having another would tip the scales too far. I love that I have a sibling and I’m sad my son won’t have the same experience, but it’s definitely what feels right for me.  
—MS

I don’t regret my kid, though I do regret some of the deprivation I felt in the first five years of parenting, and like to imagine that could have gone better. I feel like our friends may be finding that balance better than we did, which includes moving into some kind of multiplex with parents. Four adults are definitely better than two when it comes to running a family. 
—RA

I agonized about having a second kid, but it turned out not having one has left room in our life to take on care of my preschool-aged niece following a family crisis. She eats with us regularly, and we have a second carseat for her. It feels like a win for everyone: the kids get to play together most days, and she’s old enough that parenting often feels like less work when she’s around. She’s a totally different personality and brings a lot of joy to our house. I’m getting a true alloparenting experience in caring for her. I remember the moment last summer when I realized I was going to hold her close even if she was snotty, and wipe her butt, and whatever else she needed when she was with us. I don’t think it’s a coincidence how deeply attached to her I’ve become since making that mental leap. Those opportunities are out there.
—RA

You obviously enjoy being around kids and teens and having an influence on them. Your influence on your own child will be orders of magnitude greater than the influence you have on any other child. 
—ML

Your ideas about being in Europe for early childhood sound right on to me. I definitely think that not just having my own paid parental leave, but having that be totally the norm so that there were tons of people around me doing the same thing, has been major in this first year. When my husband went back to work (when our son was four months) I was pretty worried about the loneliness and isolation of taking care of a baby all day alone. But thanks to government mandated paid leave, so many other people around me were also home with their babies and someone was organizing some kind of get together almost every day during the week. Parenting still feels lonely sometimes, but on the whole, it’s actually been the opposite of isolating. I know so many more neighbours and local families and it’s been the easiest time for making new friends that I’ve had in adulthood so far. 
—MS

And here’s a long quote from a prospective dad named Sasha Chaptin. I don’t know him personally, but a friend sent me his article, and I vibed.

I went to a doctor one day who reminded me of my wife—she was sharp, observant, curious, to-the-point, and matter-of-factly kind. During normal doctor-patient banter, she mentioned her husband and kids. I asked: “Weird question, but I’m thinking about having kids, and I want to talk to parents about it—would you be comfortable giving me your honest opinions about children?” 

She set down her clipboard slowly and locked eyes with me.

“Do you need to have kids?” she said.

“Need is a funny word, what do you mean?”

“Does your wife clutch her womb in pain when she sees a baby?”

“Not exactly.”

“Do you feel like kids are a requirement for you to live a meaningful life?”

“Nope.”

“Great. You’re free. Do not have kids.”

I assume my facial expression was one of surprise.

“Look,” she said, in response. “I needed to have kids. And I love my kids. But I say to my husband that I think my reproductive system betrayed me. There is no question I could’ve had a richer, fuller, more meaningful life without children. I lost almost everything about myself that I enjoyed, for a long time. Do you have siblings with children?”

“Yeah, on both sides.”

“That’s great. You can have wonderful, loving relationships with nieces and nephews, you can give them gratuitous kindness, and still have your own life.” 

Making the Decision

I fully believe you will know just what to do if and when the moment presents itself.
—KD

The question whether or not to have kids for me much more comes down to an emotional choice. Like when you're so in love that all the “bad things” about that person don't matter anymore.
—JV

Honestly I wouldn’t worry about any of the concerns you expressed, they can all be easily managed with intentional effort. More important question is, does your heart desire having a child.
—CM

I doubt there’s ever been or ever will be a time when people don’t worry about the type of world they are bringing children into. Utopia literally means “no place” and there have been, and always will be, societal things that we wish our kids didn’t have to deal with. It’s not a real reason not to take the leap.
—JG

I didn’t see you list any reasons why you want to have kids. I saw some discussion about how you’d like your living scenario and relationship dynamics to work out if you have kids, but not any “this is why I want to have kids” (and a lot of “this is why I don’t think I should have kids”). This one sentence is the closest I can find for why you want to have kids/a pro to it: “I fancied a role reversal: Blake, the stay-at-homeschool dad / writer / cook / crazy adventure dude, leading bands of neighborhood kids on spontaneous missions that would make John Taylor Gatto and Dev Carey proud.” Which I think translates into you’d like to have cool, crazy adventures with your own kids, though even here, you mention the neighborhood kids and not your own. So I am curious to hear your list of reasons for why you’d want to have kids.
—RE

Having spent much of the last four years tying myself in knots overthinking this, let nature take over, had a miscarriage, fall into a pretty miserable and confused depression, and battle my way out again - I would say I'm now 95% sure I (we) will not be having children. I've gained a lot of comfort and peace from interacting with the child-free community. Facebook groups, podcasts... it's been so valuable to know that I am not the only one who has battled with this decision. It can feel like you're so isolated, when most of the world hits back with the "it's the best thing you'll ever do" argument.
—GP

As a reader, writer, and fellow analyzer and overthinker, there was a time when I thought about not having kids for many of the reasons you mentioned. Alas, the call to mothering was strong. Now, I'm two decades in with two of the coolest people I know and I'm still analyzing and overthinking. Ha!
—MW

As a full-time homeschooling dad of two kids who came to parenting in my forties, I guess I would just say: a) parenting tends to find you whether you planned for it or not, whether it's your kids or not, b) you don't need to fit into a conventional mold of parenting any more than you're conventional in any other area of your life, and c) for what it's worth, what seems like giving up parts of yourself from one perspective can actually be quite a relieving liberation from always being trapped in your own inner world. You'll evolve and grow no matter which way it goes.
—PR

Why give up your freedom in service of someone who will never be able to appreciate your sacrifices? But when I had one, I realized it was probably the best decision I'd ever made. I remember holding my newborn son in the hospital, and falling instantly, head-over-heels in love. I guess it's instinct kicking in. Not reason. You suddenly have this very important job to do. You are needed. Your life has a purpose it never had before. All the doubts you had get swept away by this all-powerful force of love.
—SB

Like others, I say go for it, if the opportunity presents itself. You'll love it. In the meantime, I'm going to offer you the most pithy, eloquent, and profound statement I've ever heard about parenting: you think you understand how 1 and 1 is 2 because you understand 1. But you do not yet understand and.
—KP

I don’t jump on the bandwagon that everyone should have kids. Love my kids, but parenting has never come naturally to me. The self-growth has been good for me, but there’s a lot of ways to grow as a person. I think if you chose to be a parent you would do a decent job at it, but most child free people I talk to don’t regret it. For a conscientious person who thinks deeply I don’t think either decision is necessarily better, just different.
—AV

The world needs people who care deeply about kids, but are not too busy taking care of their own. 
—RA

With my friends’ kid in the UK, April 2024