Dear Blake - It occurs to me that perhaps you are like Frederick in the children's book by Leo Lionni. In case you are not familiar, or don't see the association, Frederick is a field mouse who lives in a stone wall with other field mice. During the summer, all the other mice spend their time working hard to gather grain and such for the coming winter. They notice that Frederick is not working hard doing the same things and they ask him about it. He says that he is gathering colors, sounds, scents to sustain them in the winter. They are skeptical. But in the depths of winter, when it is cold and dark, and the grain is running low, they turn to Frederick for what he has gathered. And then he feeds their souls with stories of glorious fields and sun-warmed berries.
The analogy I see is that in your once-yearly visits to friends (and in your writing for the rest of us) who have chosen to be tethered to jobs and houses and families, you bring a much needed respite of joy and stories and love and adventure, that feeds their souls. I'm guessing that they look forward to your visits, and that those visits uplift and sustain them, and inject optimism, into their more settled lives, with reminders of what was or what can be, and that they love living vicariously through your adventures. And that is a wonderful thing. Frederick does not doubt himself in his usefulness to his community. Perhaps your purpose is to be a Frederick.
As for the hard things, and your wondering if that is what you need, my two cents are thus. You do not need hard things, nor should you look for them. Hard things will find you (though if you're lucky they don't). If they do find you, and you survive them, they will shape you, provide new perspective, and if one is optimistic, can be a springboard for growth and a different kind of appreciation for life. But the going through them is not generally chosen, it is more thrust upon one at some random and unexpected time. After going through my own hard things, I happened upon a coach who taught me a form of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), so that now when my brain offers up its usual criticisms and questions, I have learned to say, "I see you brain and I hear you. Now go sit in the back of the bus. I'm driving here and we are okay." If you're not familiar with CBT I recommend it. It has definitely made it easier to live inside my own mind.
Cheers, Alyssa
(In case you haven't made the connection, you may remember me as a fan of your "why are you still sending your kids to school" book, who lives in Maine. We once connected on Zoom a couple of years ago, when I was looking for advice about taking my twin nearly-teens on a trip to Europe. You gave me some excellent advice, and we had a successful trip. This profile is attached to my sewing business and is how I generally connect with Substack.
Your reports are getting better and better. What a storyteller you are. You actually live your life fully which is what generates the stuff for good stories anyway. Thank you for crafting and sharing them. They bring meaning, joy and inspiration, at least to me. They make me wonder: What could I do next? What adventures await? And I have 3 kids (all unschooled right now) so I had my share of settling down. And I had my share of adventure before them too. You make me realize that life comprises of cycles of adventures, broken hearts AND not so much adventurous periods with boredom and routine. It's a merry go round. And we can always chose to hop in or off, as long as we are still alive. Thanks Blake
Very thought provoking, as always. I think we need more wonderful and inspiring adults to not have children and give other children an example of how to live an adventurous and inspiring life - helping lots of others instead of just obliging the biological urge to procreate and then focusing in on one or 2.
I know a few families who manage to stay adventurous, for a while, or with a bit of helpful privilege, like flexible careers or inherited wealth. They do fun things like bus around the country for 5/7 years, but then mom and one out of 5 kids wants to world school and the others want to settle down. So they settle down. Or they live in a great area for summer and go yachting all winter in warmer areas, but after a few years the kids want to be with their friends and have pets and ponies…..so you do that for a while and it works…..another mainstream family I know go on cycling and scuba diving trips every school holiday break all over the world…..but they have huge inherited wealth and family income from investment banking. I can’t think of many other families I know who lead a particularly adventurous life for long. Mostly family life revolves around a key family hobby maybe (eg when parents love triathlons or hiking or BMX type racing and everyone ends up doing a lot of that) or a kid gets well into dance or gymnastics or archery or something random.
It would be possible to be adventurous with kids……with one only especially. Kids to tend to crave stability for at least some years (ages 6-16 realistically, maybe 8-16 or 8-18). My kids are 15 and 9 and that’s just a few observations over 18 odd years of living in the parenting world. We initially thought we couldn’t get pregnant and started to plan a life without kids and then bingo - world upside down. Has made it seem like that sliding door movie where we wonder what the other life would have been. No regrets on our specific kids, but it’s hard, hard work - the hardest job I’ve ever done (and I used to scrub for life saving operations and look after such kids so I know hard work, and that was easy by comparison!).
I love the above comment about the mouse - I see you like that too, but also very interested to see what you end up doing. I would love to think a life is full with travel, dance and occasional romantic interludes. But the urge for kids is real too - have seen that in a few people who hit early 40s and have a second thought about a child free life. Life is so unpredictable! Wishing you all the best and just love your writing…..living vicariously!
Love reading your authentic stories - dreams and heartbreaks. We all have them but no one wants to really discuss the truth of them. I have lived a very stable life with the ability to have a few adventures now and then. I am now almost an empty nester and have decided that I can travel some (not as much as I'd like due to my work and I do not plan to quit) but I have decided to add adventure into my world and become a DJ (as in club DJ not wedding DJ LOL). It's not the same as what you are doing but the need for a life that fulfills me is so strong. Luckily I have a partner who is supportive. It took a lot of courage for me to let him know my dreams and future desires. He could have had so many different responses, but he is supporting my venture. Keep opening your heart to others. Not everyone is cut from a wanderers cloth but you will find support and friendship and maybe, just maybe a partner that will understand your choice of life and support you in those choices as long as you desire.
Dear Blake - It occurs to me that perhaps you are like Frederick in the children's book by Leo Lionni. In case you are not familiar, or don't see the association, Frederick is a field mouse who lives in a stone wall with other field mice. During the summer, all the other mice spend their time working hard to gather grain and such for the coming winter. They notice that Frederick is not working hard doing the same things and they ask him about it. He says that he is gathering colors, sounds, scents to sustain them in the winter. They are skeptical. But in the depths of winter, when it is cold and dark, and the grain is running low, they turn to Frederick for what he has gathered. And then he feeds their souls with stories of glorious fields and sun-warmed berries.
The analogy I see is that in your once-yearly visits to friends (and in your writing for the rest of us) who have chosen to be tethered to jobs and houses and families, you bring a much needed respite of joy and stories and love and adventure, that feeds their souls. I'm guessing that they look forward to your visits, and that those visits uplift and sustain them, and inject optimism, into their more settled lives, with reminders of what was or what can be, and that they love living vicariously through your adventures. And that is a wonderful thing. Frederick does not doubt himself in his usefulness to his community. Perhaps your purpose is to be a Frederick.
As for the hard things, and your wondering if that is what you need, my two cents are thus. You do not need hard things, nor should you look for them. Hard things will find you (though if you're lucky they don't). If they do find you, and you survive them, they will shape you, provide new perspective, and if one is optimistic, can be a springboard for growth and a different kind of appreciation for life. But the going through them is not generally chosen, it is more thrust upon one at some random and unexpected time. After going through my own hard things, I happened upon a coach who taught me a form of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), so that now when my brain offers up its usual criticisms and questions, I have learned to say, "I see you brain and I hear you. Now go sit in the back of the bus. I'm driving here and we are okay." If you're not familiar with CBT I recommend it. It has definitely made it easier to live inside my own mind.
Cheers, Alyssa
(In case you haven't made the connection, you may remember me as a fan of your "why are you still sending your kids to school" book, who lives in Maine. We once connected on Zoom a couple of years ago, when I was looking for advice about taking my twin nearly-teens on a trip to Europe. You gave me some excellent advice, and we had a successful trip. This profile is attached to my sewing business and is how I generally connect with Substack.
Thank you very much, Alyssa. I wasn't familiar with the Frederick story/analogy, and now I am! It's helpful and heartwarming.
Yes, I'm familiar with CBT. But maybe it's even more useful to have close friends that are familiar with it ;)
So glad that your Europe trip was a success!
Your reports are getting better and better. What a storyteller you are. You actually live your life fully which is what generates the stuff for good stories anyway. Thank you for crafting and sharing them. They bring meaning, joy and inspiration, at least to me. They make me wonder: What could I do next? What adventures await? And I have 3 kids (all unschooled right now) so I had my share of settling down. And I had my share of adventure before them too. You make me realize that life comprises of cycles of adventures, broken hearts AND not so much adventurous periods with boredom and routine. It's a merry go round. And we can always chose to hop in or off, as long as we are still alive. Thanks Blake
Very thought provoking, as always. I think we need more wonderful and inspiring adults to not have children and give other children an example of how to live an adventurous and inspiring life - helping lots of others instead of just obliging the biological urge to procreate and then focusing in on one or 2.
I know a few families who manage to stay adventurous, for a while, or with a bit of helpful privilege, like flexible careers or inherited wealth. They do fun things like bus around the country for 5/7 years, but then mom and one out of 5 kids wants to world school and the others want to settle down. So they settle down. Or they live in a great area for summer and go yachting all winter in warmer areas, but after a few years the kids want to be with their friends and have pets and ponies…..so you do that for a while and it works…..another mainstream family I know go on cycling and scuba diving trips every school holiday break all over the world…..but they have huge inherited wealth and family income from investment banking. I can’t think of many other families I know who lead a particularly adventurous life for long. Mostly family life revolves around a key family hobby maybe (eg when parents love triathlons or hiking or BMX type racing and everyone ends up doing a lot of that) or a kid gets well into dance or gymnastics or archery or something random.
It would be possible to be adventurous with kids……with one only especially. Kids to tend to crave stability for at least some years (ages 6-16 realistically, maybe 8-16 or 8-18). My kids are 15 and 9 and that’s just a few observations over 18 odd years of living in the parenting world. We initially thought we couldn’t get pregnant and started to plan a life without kids and then bingo - world upside down. Has made it seem like that sliding door movie where we wonder what the other life would have been. No regrets on our specific kids, but it’s hard, hard work - the hardest job I’ve ever done (and I used to scrub for life saving operations and look after such kids so I know hard work, and that was easy by comparison!).
I love the above comment about the mouse - I see you like that too, but also very interested to see what you end up doing. I would love to think a life is full with travel, dance and occasional romantic interludes. But the urge for kids is real too - have seen that in a few people who hit early 40s and have a second thought about a child free life. Life is so unpredictable! Wishing you all the best and just love your writing…..living vicariously!
(Should say sick kids, not such kids….cant seem to edit)
Love reading your authentic stories - dreams and heartbreaks. We all have them but no one wants to really discuss the truth of them. I have lived a very stable life with the ability to have a few adventures now and then. I am now almost an empty nester and have decided that I can travel some (not as much as I'd like due to my work and I do not plan to quit) but I have decided to add adventure into my world and become a DJ (as in club DJ not wedding DJ LOL). It's not the same as what you are doing but the need for a life that fulfills me is so strong. Luckily I have a partner who is supportive. It took a lot of courage for me to let him know my dreams and future desires. He could have had so many different responses, but he is supporting my venture. Keep opening your heart to others. Not everyone is cut from a wanderers cloth but you will find support and friendship and maybe, just maybe a partner that will understand your choice of life and support you in those choices as long as you desire.