What is this thing we call connection?
Everyone wants to feel connected: friends, families, lovers, communities—and most certainly, partner dancers.
Partner dance is fun, invigorating, and a great way to meet people. But without connection, swing, salsa, tango, and other forms of improvised lead/follow dance wouldn’t be so different from a running club or climbing gym.
The first time I pressed my chest to a stranger’s chest while learning Argentine tango at age 26, I tasted connection. Years later, “fusion dance” introduced me to even deeper levels of closeness, communication, and platonic intimacy on the dance floor.
But even among such communities, I still experienced a good deal of frustration, loneliness, and self-doubt. So I eventually stopped and asked myself, “What exactly creates connection in partner dance?”
What emerged was a 4-hour workshop that draws upon my time with one magical summer camp, one amazing tango teacher, the world of authentic relating, and some of my favorite fusion workshops.
In recent years I’ve given my “dance connection” workshop to three groups of dancers in Germany. Later this year, I’ll do it again in Prague. And in just a week, I’m co-leading an entire fusion dance weekend focused on connection.
Which is all to say: I’ve been thinking a lot about connection in partner dance, and I’ve got some things to say.
Please enjoy these abridged notes from my dance connection workshop. It’s not the same as taking the actual workshop, but you just might find something to inspire your own dance, relationships, or life.
Connection and attention
What is this thing we call connection in partner dance?
Well, what is the opposite of a connected dance?
when you are (or your partner is) distracted, uncommitted, or not really “there”
when you are (or your partner is) obsessed with looking good, showing off, or otherwise “performing”
imagine dancing with someone who is constantly checking their phone, watching other dancers, or looking in a mirror
Connection = attention = love
In a connected dance, my partner and I say four things to each other:
I see you
You are special
There is no rush
Let’s be children again
To “see” another = giving your full, undivided attention
Attention is “the most basic form of love” (source)
The opposite of full attention is “continuous partial attention”—like having an important conversation while also checking your phone
Focus gym
Seeing your partner begins in your own mind. If you’re distracted or worried about looking good, it’s tough to see someone.
Let’s begin with focus exercises before ever stepping on the dance floor:
Classic guided meditation (10 min)
Listening to non-dance song, Adagio for Strings, while doing absolutely nothing else (10 min)
Eye contact and questions
Feeling more focused? Now let’s take this state of mind and share it with a partner.
Find someone (dance roles don’t matter) and sit across from them. We’ll do periods of sustained eye contact followed by questions that one partner asks the other.
Each person has one minute to answer. Let your partner talk, listen fully, and give your full attention, then switch roles.
15 seconds of eye contact, followed by: “Why do you dance?”
30 seconds of eye contact, followed by: “When do you feel most connected?”
60 seconds of eye contact, followed by: “What is home?”
By now you should be feeling the first two elements of dance connection: “I see you. You are special”.
Progressive touch exercise
Now—“There is no rush.” How slowly and deliberately can you initiate physical connect with your partner?
Find a new partner, maybe someone you’re curious about.
Song: Riding the Merge Home (11 min)
(2min) Close your eyes and breathe. Try to align your breath with your partner.
(1min) Now, open your eyes. Gaze in your partner’s eyes. Keep breathing together.
(1min) Bring hands together as close as you can without touching.
(2min) Close your eyes again and try to keep your hands close without touching. If you touch, simply adjust as needed.
(1 min) Open your eyes and make contact, only touching fingertips.
(1 min) Slowly invite more touch: first fingers, palms, then forearms to elbows.
(2 min) Contact dance with hands/arms. Play with different speeds, pressures, parts of body. No leader or follower.
(until end) Lower your hands and just make eye contact.
Song: Little Lover (5:30)
(1 min) Walk around in a mingle style, making eye contact with others as you pass them. Hands at your side.
(1 min) Allow hands to interact, just tiny finger touches.
(1 min) Allow hands to explore others in passing, brushing hands, arms, shoulders, head.
(2 min) Full freedom. Linger with a person and migrate as desired. Stop sometimes to view the people around you—close your eyes, breathe in the connection.
Negative space game
Now, “Let’s be children again.” How can we remember to play, rather than just execute “moves?” How can we respond exclusively to the person in front of us, rather than get lost in our heads?
Find a new partner.
Song: Agatha (12:00)
(2 min) One partner strike a pose and becomes a statue. The other partner finds a way to fill the space around the first person with arms, legs, and torso. Then the second partner walks away, becomes a new statue in a new pose, and the first partner attempts to fill the space.
(1 min) Find a new partner. Same exercise, but now switch roles without walking away. After you fill the negative space around your partner, freeze in that position, and then your partner attempts to fill the space around you without leaving.
(2 min) Find a new partner. Same exercise, but when switching roles, flow smoothly instead of switching abruptly. Now both partners are constantly trying to fill the negative space around each other. When in doubt, slow down.
(2 min) Split up. Find two new partners and make a group of three. Do the same exercise, with each partner attempting to fill the negative space around the other two bodies.
(2 min) Now two groups of three join together into a group of six. Same exercise.
(until end) Now… touching is okay! You limbs and bodies may press on each other, beginning to feel like a “real dance.” Continue filling the spaces that appear. If you’re in the middle, feel free to remove yourself to the outside. You are free and connected at the same time.
Now, we dance!
I’ll put on four classic fusion songs. Continue dancing as before.
Feel free to dance with one person, two people, or more. Split and merge groups as desired. Whenever you want, go to the side and just watch for a while.
Don’t think about looking good, leading, or following. Just give your partner(s) your total attention, and communicate silently:
I see you
You are special
There is no rush
We are children again
Songs: Fantasy, Technicolour Beat, Down, Reprieve
David Whyte quote
Let’s discuss this quote:
Life can find you only if you are paying real attention to something other than your own concerns, if you can hear and see the essence of otherness in the world, if you can treat the world as if it is not just a backdrop to your own journey, if you can have a relationship with the world that isn't based on triumphing over it or complaining about it. . . . we put ourselves at the center of the world, strangely, by eliminating our concern for the smaller self.
—David Whyte, The Three Marriages: Reimagining Work, Self and Relationship
[long break]
The dance before the dance
Beginning dance with the right mindset can make all the difference. How do you set yourself up for success, i.e., set yourself up for connection?
If we could play warm-up games with everyone person we’re about to dance with, or 10 minutes of guided meditation with eye contact, followed by activities like we just did… we would all feel more comfortable!
But what really happens is: we’re often dancing with a brand-new person, and we rush from initial meeting to full-on dancing.
Instead of rushing, let’s explore the “dance before the dance”.
Goal: “Instead of hearing a song, conceiving a plan, and then executing that plan—notice the environment, listen to your partner, and go from there.” (Alejandro)
Music awareness
Yes, No, and Hell Yes
Early in our dance careers, we want experience, so we nervously say YES to everyone and every song. This is good! better than being timid and not learning through trial and error.
As we progress, we begin to know what we like, what kind of music moves us, and we become more selective. We begin to feel confident saying NO. This is good! then we can conserve our energy for a “hell yes!”
This also applies to a long evening or dance weekend, too: conserving energy is important, not just for your body, but your ability to pay total attention.
When a song comes on, listen closely and ask yourself: does my body want to dance to this now? Is this a No, Yes, or Hell Yes?
Rather than rushing into a dance, It's ok to…
recharge your batteries
witness: just soak up other people’s connection
take a long time to decide if you’re feeling the music, and then dance the rest of the song
I’ll play three songs. You can dance to one, two, or none of them.
During the other song(s), just rest, appreciate, watch others, and mind your breath. Notice any feelings of stress, rush, FOMO, or frustration that arise. Let them pass. (optional dark chocolate)
Partner search
Sometimes you hear a song, and you know exactly who you want to dance with. Amazing! Go find that person.
Other times you want to have a dance, but your desired partner is unavailable, or you’ve already danced together a lot, or you don’t know anyone, or you want to meet someone new. Time for a partner search!
Different ways of searching for a dance partner:
The Mad Rush (scarcity mindset)
Playing Hard to Get (false non-neediness)
Open and Curious (yes, do that one!)
Assume that your new partner has a secret ability, and it’s your job to discover it.
Let’s take a cue from tango: the mirada and cabeceo
Mirada: looking at someone’s eyes to see if they would like to dance with you
Cabeceo: The leader looks at the follow and indicates interest with a nod of the head. If the follower also holds eye contact and nods, then the leader approaches, offers a hand, and they dance. If the follower refuses, they simply look away.
Activity: walk around the room and silently invite others to dance. Say yes sometimes, dance for 20 seconds, then separate and keep walking. Other times, say no.
It can be hard to say no (and accept a no). But we must! To practice this, find a partner and line up for walking boundary-setting exercises:
Walking toward partner, verbally saying “no”
Walking toward partner, nonverbally saying “no”
Body language
The proper goal of dance is to “create goosebumps.”
A few small things that we do (but usually don’t think about) in the transition from saying “yes” to beginning a dance: smile, hands, and walking onto the floor.
This is all part of the dance, even before the dance begins. So how can we be less predictable? How can we start creating goosebumps before we even embrace?
Smile
what makes a smile? practice authentic and inauthentic smiling.
think to yourself: “I knew a secret: we’re about to have an amazing dance”
Hands
how many different ways can you hold a hand?
how can you lead (or be lead) onto the floor with a clear physical connection, without holding hands?
Walking onto the floor
what are other ways that we can lead each other onto the dance floor? miming from a distance? gently pushing (contact improv style)? finger play?
lead a partner across the room, find a new one, and do it again differently.
Choosing roles
Classic question: “Would you like to lead, follow, or switch?”
Find a new partner, and try asking this question differently. Dance a little bit, then separate, continue wandering, and do it again.
Now—try it without words!
“What we can create together is more interesting than my plan for you.” (Alejandro)
Initial embrace
Something I don’t like: seeing a couple walk the floor and immediately enter into big, acrobatic movements.
Instead of rushing in, how slowly and patiently can we enter the embrace? How much can savor this moment?
Use the first 2:22 of To Build a Home to simply walk across the floor, enter an embrace with your partner, and make a single weight change.
“Don’t be a single-embrace guy. Be open to different pressures and positions. Embody the emotion of the music. No robot man! No one-size-fits-all solutions!” (Alejandro)
Putting it all together
Dance connection principle #1: “I see you. You are special. There is no rush. Let’s be children again.”
Dance connection principle #2: “Instead of hearing a song, conceiving a plan, and then executing that plan—notice the environment, listen to your follow, and go from there.”
Now let’s dance! I’ll put on four songs.
Begin with sitting/standing, being present, feeling the music. “Do I want to dance to this?”
Invite a partner (or receive an invitation), giving either a full “yes” or “no”. If you receive a “no”, smile and move on.
Enter the dance floor and decide roles in a way that feels interesting (and maybe creates goosebumps). Take your time to embrace. Smile.
As you dance, give your partner your full, undivided attention.
Dance 1-2 songs with your partner, say thank you, then do it all again.
SONGS: Hopeful, Aching, Como Si Na, Crush
That’s how to be a connected partner dancer—or at least, how to get started. Enjoy!
Delightful, would love to attend something like this! thank you for creating such intentional spaces. It's always boggled my brain that while dance is such a foundational , fundamental part of the human experience , it's disappearing from our culture. This is vital work/play! 💃